Often when women are chatting our conversations turn to the topic of men. Eventually we will look at each other, shake our heads and say, “MEN?!” Yes, they are a mystery to us. Thus, we see the multitude of books that have been written throughout the years such as
One common cry of women is that their husband is emotionally void. “My husband never shares his feelings with me”, “I have never seen my husband cry”, or “my husband gets annoyed when I cry, he just doesn’t understand!” are some frequent complaints I hear from unhappy wives. Men are emotional creatures and have emotional needs. They just sometimes do not know how to express them so that their wives can understand and then meet those needs.
The purposes of a man’s heart are deep waters but a [wo]man of understanding draws them out. (Proverbs 20:5)
If you ask a woman how her day was, she will tell you how she feels about her day. Ask a man the same questions and he will usually give a summary of the events of the day, but not how he feels about those events. His feelings must be drawn out by a wife who is not hurt by her husband’s lack of emotional communication, but who understands she needs to lovingly and sensitively create an environment where his emotions can be expressed. Many women feel insulted and shut out instead of understanding this is how men tend to communicate. Their reaction to the perceived insult can exacerbate their husband’s lack of emotional response. This creates a negative cycle of the wife chasing the husband for conversation rather than trying to draw him out with appropriate questions.
Men’s deepest feelings and fears are in areas different than those of women. Men are emotionally vulnerable about their capacity to earn a living (hold a job, be successful, get ahead), their sexual performance, and any area which challenges their male image.
Since this is the case, one of the way’s you can meet your husband’s emotional needs is to affirm his manhood. Ephesians 5:33 says, “the wife must respect her husband.” Many men withdraw emotionally from their wives because they are constantly barraged with commentaries about their inadequacies as a husband. The comments may be subtle, they may even be right; but if the respect is not present, they are worthless and damaging. Absolute support, acceptance and respect must be in the heart of a wife towards her husband. A lack of respect creates insecurity on the part of the husband as well as the wife, and the marriage becomes unstable as each person scrambles for emotional security.
A biblical example of a woman who did not respect her husband and consequently destroyed her marriage was Michal, the wife of David and daughter of Saul:
“As the ark of the Lord was entering the city of
David said to Michal, ‘It was before the Lord who chose me rather than your Father or anyone from his house when he appointed me ruler over the Lord’s people,
And Michal, daughter of Saul, had no children to the day of her death.”
(2 Samuel: 6:16-23)
Michal emasculated David by mocking him. She was contemptuous of David as well as something that was extremely important to him. Notice David’s reaction to her sin. He fought to be seen worthy of respect and then said he would have respect, if not from her it would be from the very ones she was looking down upon. Consequently David stopped having a sexual relationship with her. Her contempt for him separated them.
Michal’s lack of support is graphic and easy to see. Today many women emasculate their husbands in subtle ways that are just as lethal. Complaints about living circumstances, tight budgets, quantity and quality of possessions hurt your husband’s view of himself. It is very important to a man’s self concept to be able to meet the needs of his family. Gratitude should be a wife’s response to her husband’s provision for her:
The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down.” (Proverbs 14:1)
The wise woman knows her husband has emotional needs that she uniquely can meet. She can affirm him by trusting him, or she can destroy him by her self-focused fears. The truly wise woman knows that ultimately her ability to trust and respect her husband begins with an absolute trust in and respect for God. Remember the wife of noble character in Proverbs 31? Her foundational attitude was that she feared the Lord. Because of that strength, her husband lacks no good thing, and he proclaimed her praises at the city gates.
