Dear
I've always been very independent and not much of a cook. I keep my home tidy, but there's a sudden pressure (coming from me, my husband, and the scriptures), as a wife and a disciple, to excel in all areas. I'm feeling crushed by the pressure to be a great cook (I hate cooking, God help me) and I'm terribly jealous of the relationship my husband has with his 11-year-old daughter (who I have a good relationship with and have since she was 2 1/2). My husband does not cook, never has, and I feel I'm expected to shop for the groceries, pay for the groceries, cook the food, lovingly serve the food, and clean up everything afterward. I had a fit of rage last week over this pressure, and I go to God daily and read daily for guidance. I've been open and have asked for help, but I don't know how to overcome this. I am aware that I need to consider others above myself, but how do I get past the feelings of hurt and resentment when all this is expected of me and nothing is expected of my husband? I feel I've made a terrible mistake by getting married.
If you can recommend a book that addresses the issues involved with step-parenting and being a wife in this society where women seem to do everything, even earn a good part of the wages, while our men do very little (forgive me for my bitterness - I want to overcome!), I would be most grateful. Are there books out there written by disciples that address these issues?
Your sister in Christ,
Not Prepared for Marriage
Dear Not Prepared,
First of all, I am thankful to hear that you are a couple united in Christ. If you are both truly devoted to God and his Word, you have what you need to have a healthy and happy marriage.
You stated you need guidance. You absolutely do! Find an older woman to mentor you “to love your husband and children, to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to your husband” (Titus 2:3-5). God knows that we need help and he provides the answer. I encourage you to be diligent in pursuing a mentor.
You’ve always been independent, you’ve never had the desire to be married or have children? Something must have changed because you got married and became a step-mom! I assume you fell in love and chose to give up your independence for your husband. STOP LOOKING BACK! It will only hurt and embitter you.
Pressure reveals cracks. Find some spackle for those cracks. Ask other sisters for easy, delicious recipes. Allrecipes.com is a resource I use weekly. Cooking is a basic necessity of life. Learning to cook and do all the things that accompany it, such as shopping and cleaning up, should not create such anger and resentment. An independent lifestyle can produce selfishness and self-centeredness. The best way to overcome those sins is to repent and practice generosity and thinking of others. You also need to stop focusing on what your husband does or doesn’t do - it just fosters negative feelings including doubts.
Your letter contains comments that I think might be assumptions on your part. I wonder, did you receive premarital counseling? If not, I strongly encourage you and your husband to request marriage counseling or guidance from another couple, especially in the area of communication. Also, a lot of churches have started offering a course called “Dynamic Marriage”. It requires a lot of work and commitment but is excellent and worth the effort. If your congregation does not offer it, find somewhere that does.
The only thing I can tell you regarding your jealousy of your child is to crucify it. Preadolescent girls need a lot of attention from their daddies. It could save her from some heart-breaking problems in the future. Be thankful he loves his child.
Our society should not dictate how any of us conduct our relationships and home life. Focus on what is pleasing to God, what mirrors Jesus’ heart and follow what the Bible says about any given attitude or situation. This should enable you to be a happy woman, wife and mom. A good book for you to read is A Gentle and Quiet Spirit by Virginia Lefler.
May God give you grace as you obey Him.
Love,
Lydia
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